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Our kids are all very high energy. We definitely hear from the teachers of the older two that they talk a lot in class and don鈥檛 always do as they鈥檙e told. It鈥檚 nothing extreme, but I do worry that if we don鈥檛 discipline them consistently things could snowball.

I鈥檝e seen people talk about gentle parenting, which seems to be the new craze, like attachment parenting or free-range parenting before that. Honestly, when I hear the term gentle parenting it sounds to me more like no parenting at all.

We need an approach to parenting where we can let our kids know what鈥檚 expected of them 鈥� from the world, not just us! 鈥� and what will happen if they break those rules. I鈥檓 not looking for a chance to bring back corporal punishment here. I just need something that works, and that both me and my good-cop husband can live with.

A Worried Bad Cop

A You鈥檙e so right about the various styles of parenting that come in and out of favour 鈥� it鈥檚 confusing and makes you feel like if you just wait a minute another one might be along soon.

It strikes me that this fact may be a way in for you and your husband to come together. The fact that you two aren鈥檛 on the same page about discipline is your principal problem. Eventually your kids can start to appreciate the nuances that distinguish your standards vs. your husband鈥檚, but for now those differences are only going to exacerbate tensions. You need to be a team.

There鈥檚 so much material out there 鈥� books, articles, YouTube videos 鈥� that you can consume together and discuss what kind of team you鈥檙e going to be.

I agree that gentle parenting sounds pretty 鈥β營 don鈥檛 know, limp? And doesn鈥檛 reflect the pace that most of us are living at 鈥� you especially with your full house of energetic kids. Still, I do think the philosophy holds a lot of value, particularly when it comes to dealing with unwanted behaviours. Many of the experts affiliated with gentle parenting like to talk about boundaries rather than punishments.

The wildly popular Dr. Becky of Instagram (Becky Kennedy), reminds parents that the first rule of parenting is safety. And safety leads to boundaries.

If your five-year-old is about to smack her three-year-old brother, a boundary looks like taking hold of her wrist and saying, 鈥淚 can鈥檛 let you hit your brother.鈥� You鈥檝e asserted a boundary, little dude doesn鈥檛 get clocked and your daughter sees that you won鈥檛 allow her to act on her big/bad feelings. And because you caught the incident before it happened, there鈥檚 no punishment necessary.

In an older kid, you might worry about the unhealthy side effects of too much screen time. So this might look like putting the iPad away after your nine-year-old has had their allotted time with it. They may complain and whine about it, but if you鈥檙e firm about removing the iPad, you take away the possibility that your kid sneaks an extra hour and then needs a consequence for it.

Another mental shift that鈥檚 helpful comes from Laura Markham of 鈥淧eaceful Parent, Happy Kids.鈥� She points to research that shows kids who are frequently punished don鈥檛 end up being better behaved kids, they become concerned with avoiding punishments rather than wanting to do the right things. These kids end up lying to avoid getting in trouble, are less connected to their parents and, worst, feel badly about themselves.

This identity piece is big. A kid who is encouraged to see herself as a good and kind person will 鈥� while making lots of mistakes along the way 鈥� eventually match their behaviour to their identity. If a kid experiences a lot of punishments 鈥� for probably some of those same mistakes 鈥� they absorb the message that they鈥檙e bad. If your kid will only behave well in order to avoid discipline, they won鈥檛 build the emotional muscle they need to do right on their own.

Whatever you and your husband land on, it鈥檚 got to be something that you both feel comfortable with and that you鈥檒l both engage with. It鈥檚 not fair that you are saddled with the bad cop job. So don鈥檛 be. You and your husband need to try taking on new, non-cop roles: ones where you鈥檙e both enforcing boundaries and encouraging your kids to be the amazing people you know they are.

And go easy on yourselves 鈥� you鈥檒l all needs tons of practice.